Holding on to ourselves and being who we truly are in romantic relationships can be a huge challenge, especially if we’ve been waiting a long time to find love. But if we lose our personalities in the process of dating, it can be hard to find ourselves again, leading to unhealthy attachments. Wait a minute, you say. Surely, it’s called ‘falling in love’ for a reason? Isn’t it natural to lose parts of yourself as you look to join your life with another person? Like anything, it’s about balance.
We want to open our hearts to love, taking down any walls we might have built to protect ourselves from hurt, whilst setting and maintaining healthy boundaries and holding on to who we are. This can be a difficult balancing act so here are five signs you may be losing yourself in relationships, along with five ways to hold on:
We want to open our hearts to love, taking down any walls we might have built to protect ourselves from hurt, whilst setting and maintaining healthy boundaries and holding on to who we are. This can be a difficult balancing act so here are five signs you may be losing yourself in relationships, along with five ways to hold on:
People-pleasing versus stating your needs
You may be losing yourself in the process of looking for love if you prioritise the other person’s wants and needs over your own and agree to everything on their terms. For example, you let them choose where to meet, what movie to see, or which restaurant to try, saying ‘I don’t mind’ or ‘whatever suits you’ in the hope of being liked and to avoid rocking the boat.
You hold onto yourself when dating and when forming relationships by respecting your needs, wants, preferences and desires, by communicating them clearly and by elevating their importance so that they carry equal weight in the relationship. Good practice would be to take it in turns to choose the restaurant or movie so that the relationship is nicely balanced.
All-out change versus healthy compromise
Following on from the above, you may be losing yourself if you feel tempted to change everything in your life to suit your date or partner – the food you eat, how you dress, whom you socialise with, how you spend your time, your spiritual practice, and more. Maybe your friends notice that you seem to be morphing into someone else.
You hold on to yourself by practising healthy compromise and negotiating boundaries and limits. You offer to adjust your schedule and your needs in the spirit of reaching an agreement, and your date or partner does the same. You meet in the middle. The dating experience or relationship adds to your life, rather than taking away parts of your personality. Your friends still recognise you, only you are an even happier version of yourself.
Time together versus time apart
You may be losing yourself if you spend all your time with your date or partner. It’s important to say here that this is a common pitfall. When we meet someone we like, it’s only natural to want to throw ourselves into the experience, to the exclusion of all else. This is part of the bonding stage. But we need to maintain some limits.
You hold on to yourself by choosing to spend time apart. Healthy relationships are based on two individuals coming together whilst maintaining a degree of separateness. If you’re actively dating right now, or when you reach that stage, take out your calendar and schedule some time for yourself, away from the other person.
Fantasy versus perspective
You may be losing yourself if you decide that this person is one hundred percent right for you before you get to know them. Your mind quickly wanders off into fantasy land, imagining the two of you sailing off into the sunset before you have a chance to ask your date or partner about their values, background, faith, hopes and dreams.
You hold on to yourself by keeping two feet on the floor, maintaining perspective and proceeding as slowly as is humanly possible. This is the time to ask God and your trusted friends for help to stay grounded, to stay rooted in reality, and to keep your imagination in check. We want to preserve the excitement of meeting someone new whilst not getting carried away, as this isn’t healthy.
Heaviness versus lightness
You may be losing yourself if conversations with your date or new partner quickly become heavy and intense. Perhaps you feel compelled to share the innermost confines of your heart. This intense sharing can create a false sense of intimacy and a bond that isn’t based on reality. It can also create a feeling of incredible chemistry, only it may not be healthy chemistry.
You hold on to yourself by keeping things as light as possible until you get to know the other person. In the early stages, it’s a good idea to choose dates with fun activities, such as a gallery visit, a movie, or a walk in the countryside. These activities provide alternative topics of conversation, meaning you can get to know your date or partner gradually, their likes and dislikes, and allow an attraction to grow naturally, without diving into intense conversations.
There are many ways we can lose ourselves in relationships in a range of subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Being mindful of how this can happen can help us to nip these behaviours in the bud before they develop so that we can hold on to ourselves and allow a healthy relationship to grow.
What are the ways you’ve been able to hold on your true self during dating – or what have you found difficult?
Enjoyed reading ‘5 ways to hold on to your true self in relationships’? Read more posts on emotionally healthy singleness and dating here.
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