How Much Should I Say About Myself And When?

I believe we find the balance by dating mindfully, rather than mindlessly.

By this I mean that we endeavour to date in a grounded emotional space – connected to ourselves, to our feelings, to our intuition, to God and to trusted friends or supporters – rather than in an anxious, hurried, disconnected, isolated and grasping state.

When we are grounded, we can reflect before the date on the questions we want to pose and on how much of ourselves we want to share, and then we can check in with ourselves regularly on the date and correct course if we’ve crossed our own boundaries.

For example, we can slow ourselves down if we are sharing too much or notice if we are holding anything back or avoiding the questions that we need to ask.

In practical terms, it’s helpful to remember that the purpose of our first interaction is to gather some basic information, get a feel for the person and for how we feel around them and answer the question, “Do I want to meet this person again?”

Initial questions that might yield valuable information include how your date spends their free time, what they’re looking for in a relationship or a partner, or what their ideal date or vacation would be. These may have been answered in dating profiles but we can explore them further. We are building rapport here, building trust.

You might also want to know, in the early stages, what your date’s family set-up is or what they aspire to in terms of family: do they have children, do they want children, is family important to them? The timing of these questions will also depend on how important family is to you or on your age and stage – I know the ‘children’ topic can be a sensitive one for those who are reaching the end of their fertile years or for those who are childless-not-by -choice.

Remember, as you ask your questions, keep an open mind and refrain from jumping to conclusions (unless there are obvious red flags). If you are quick to judge someone negatively, you may be afraid of intimacy and you may need to do some work on this.

As you go on subsequent dates and perhaps begin a relationship, keep opening up more about your values, priorities and feelings, and notice if the other person matches your openness, more or less. We don’t want one-sided relationships. Also, don’t hold back if there’s something you need to clarify. Honesty leads to intimacy. It also saves time as we may discover quickly that the relationship isn’t for us.

Finally, if you find yourself oversharing or under-sharing, get clear on why you’re doing this.

Oversharing

When we over-share, we are often driven by a deep hunger to connect with another person. There is nothing wrong with desiring a connection or wanting a partnership, but ask yourself if you are craving a relationship, rather than desiring one; ask yourself if you are hungry for connection, rather than simply wanting to connect.

I liken this emotional craving to physical hunger. If you are starving, you will eat anything. You won’t ask if this is good for you or not. The same happens when we go looking for love feeling empty or broken, desperate for someone to want us, and desperate to attach. We overlook red flags and rush in, needing to attach.

This over-sharing, which is often matched by our date, creates a false intimacy and a powerful intensity. Maybe we share our pain or our backstory, while our date shares their grief or their past relationship challenges. We feel close to the other person, united, bonded, but we’ve only just met. This connection isn’t based on solid ground.

If you notice this happening, ask yourself what’s going on for you and pull back. There is no rush.

Under-sharing

Alternatively, we may choose to limit the information we share. This can be a healthy approach if we are taking things slowly and building trust. But ask yourself if you’re not sharing your truth because you fear your date may not be in alignment with you and may reject you when you disclose more of yourself.

This behaviour comes from a place of low self-esteem and from a lack of trust. Perhaps you think you can’t let this person go because there may not be another opportunity.

This is where your faith comes in.

Remember, your authentic self is absolutely enough and you can have confidence God will put the right person in your path, perhaps not on your schedule or in the way you imagined it, but if you can stay grounded and rooted, remain peaceful rather than anxious, and date from a connected place, you will meet your match when the time is right.

Have you struggled with oversharing in dating? How have you worked through it?

Enjoyed reading about how to avoid oversharing in dating? Read more by Katherine Baldwin here

About Katherine Baldwin

Katherine is a writer, dating and relationships coach, midlife mentor and motivational speaker. Her book, How to Fall in Love – A 10-Step Journey to the Heart, has helped single women and men all over the world understand their blocks to relationships, change their patterns and date with courage, clarity and confidence. Through 1:1 coaching, online courses, workshops and retreats, Katherine supports people to create healthy relationships with themselves and with others and to create lives they truly love. She also writes for the national media on topics including love and dating, wellbeing and personal development. You can find out more about Katherine’s work at www.katherinebaldwin.com and you can read her blog at www.fromfortywithlove.com.