If we’ve been away from the dating scene for months or even years, it can be a challenge to start again. Maybe online dating feels like a minefield that we’re not equipped to navigate. Perhaps the process feels alien to us. Maybe we’re impatient to find love or doubtful that it’ll work out. Dating after a break can feel like a big step but there are many things we can do to make it easier.
Here are seven tips to support you if you’re dating after a break, including how stay motivated and avoid some of the potential pitfalls:
Easy does it
Like beginning to exercise after a long break, start with baby steps – achievable actions that strike the right balance between sitting back and doing nothing and diving in and doing too much.
Time boundaries can help us to get started with dating and to stay consistent. For example, you could commit to spending an hour on the process a few times a week, or a few hours, whatever fits with your schedule.
Also, break dating down into tasks. For example, if you don’t have an online profile or your profile needs refreshing, the first step would be to gather some flattering photographs. Set time aside to look through your photo library or ask friends to take some snaps when you’re out and about. While you’re there, ask your friends how they’d describe you. How would they write your profile?
Keep it light
If online dating feels daunting or dull, find ways to make it fun and keep it light.
Put on your favourite music before you spend time on a dating site, light a candle, say a prayer, or write down your intention for the next hour. Notice your energy when you’re looking through profiles – do you feel peaceful and positive? Do you feel negative, resigned to not meeting anyone you like? Do you feel anxious, like you’re running out of time?
Try writing down how you’re feeling. Getting your emotions out on the page can help you to process them so that you’re in a better headspace to date.
Do things differently
Spend some time reflecting on what happened the last time you dated or in your previous relationship. What would you like to do differently? How would you like to show up differently? Promise yourself that you’ll date mindfully – that you’ll pay attention to your behaviour, and the other person’s, and switch direction if you notice yourself going down a track that led to disappointment or heartache before.
Gather a team of helpers
Many of us are happy to share our dating profile with strangers but find it hard to share it with our trusted friends. I believe that we date effectively and successfully when we date with support, rather than in isolation. So, whom can you share this process with?
Do you have a friend who’s also dating? Can you buddy up? Dating can throw up so many questions and challenges – what did the person mean by that message? Are they interested in meeting, or do they simply want to chat? Are they emotionally available and ready for a relationship? It can be hard to answer these questions on our own. We may also ignore our intuition because we are keen for a date or a relationship to work out. Listen for God’s guidance but also ask others for their input. Notice if you’re determined to go it alone. Why is that?
Create guidelines for yourself
How many messages would you like to send before you meet face-to-face? How much of your life story would you like to share in the early stages? Do you have any red lines, characteristics you are unable to make peace with? Do you have any questions you’d like answered at the start? If you meet in person, how long would you like the date to be? How late would you like to stay out? Create guidelines or boundaries for the dating process to keep yourself safe and to support you to proceed at a steady pace, as this can be challenging when we feel an attraction to someone.
Meet face-to-face as soon as you can
I’m not sure I would have agreed to meet my now husband if our first communication had been by online messaging or a video call. Not everyone writes beautiful messages or performs well on camera. The best way to know if someone is right for us is to meet in person, so try to arrange this as soon as possible. Even if distance is involved, I believe it’s worth making the effort.
Practice patience
Many of us want instant results. If our first few conversations don’t work out, perhaps we lose hope. Think about the energy, time and investment you put into other areas of your life – your career, your exercise goals or hobbies. Think about all the times persistence has paid off. Dating takes time but if we truly want a healthy and loving relationship, it’s important to put in the time. So, pace yourself and keep the faith.
Dating is an incredible opportunity to meet new people and potential partners. When we embark on this process, we learn so much about ourselves – our wants, our needs, our preferences and our emotional wounds. We heal and we grow. So, stay curious and embrace the adventure.
What are your top tips for dating after a break?
Enjoyed reading ‘Starting again – 7 tips for dating after a break’? Read more by Katherine Baldwin here.
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